All the Things I've Never Been

how am I going to deal with my unhappinesses? 

I'm going to smother them in joy.

so many hashtags

little signs we're fine for now -

a few little dopamine hits for the interim,

where we tell each other

we're all still out there, 

thanks for witnessing.

you all look beautiful,

I think.

between the Duolingo and baby bears in hammocks on repeat and @DougthePug,

something in me is changing.

I notice this while sitting on my throne -

you know the one I mean,

we've all been there.

that little (or rough) ritual of self-check-in,

a chance to breathe in the flurry of things,

click click click. check e-mail, check Facebook, scroll Instagram, thumbs hurt from texting, it's hard to pause sometimes. 

bathroom epiphanies.

all the things I've never been,

I wondered if I could be them.

the re-wiring of a brain

to perceive reality in a new way

takes some heavy breathing.

the release of the intangible inheritance of all that has formed me

and the ecstasy of becoming someone new

in an exercise of the human condition...

how to play with loneliness from different angles.

all the things I've never been,

all the things I'm becoming...

patient for decisions in time

a practiser of Arabic for the third time round and guitar for the second

friend before romance

hair dyed so bright to make you squint looking for my intelligence, so that I can question yours,

made of cuddle puddles - if you've never heard of them they are defined as melting pots of feels where we hold each other in all the complications instead of running away... (I highly recommend this one),

not giving a shit about what other people think because that is truly exhausting,

but still loving those silly other people, equal to the dear one I now love most,

     this little lady right here.

thanks for witnessing.

to all the things I am transforming. like a superhero. with magic hair.

there's a shapeshifter in the mirror,

bathroom epiphanies.

so for those who fear the pain of repeating it again,

and those who fear fear

and those who fear the night where we find ourselves

and those who fear the light outside the lines,

well actually I have nothing to say to you but basically

it doesn't have to be perfect,

and won't be anyways

so we might as well

try a little re-wire and

laugh while we're here.

that seemed like some serious statements, like a poem can't be funny.  

but remember when we laughed? it was it

is the most real I ever feel even though I often talk about feelings, which

is the default setting I can lean on for consistency but I'm trying different settings now.

like an upgrade on my 5SE while I sit and shit.

bathroom epiphanies. 

funny thing is

how am I dealing with my unhappiness? I'm smothering it in joy.  

and it's fucking working.